|
Have
you ever considered (or are you in) marriage
counseling? If your marriage is in trouble, the answer is
probably
YES.
But
will marriage counseling
help you? Will marriage
counseling be a healing experience, or will it make your
situation
WORSE?
Marriage
Fitness is an ALTERNATIVE to marriage
counseling. Why do we need an alternative?
What's wrong with marriage
counseling?
Most
marriage counselors who work with couples are trained to do INDIVIDUAL
counseling. They view their marriage
work as an extension of
individual therapy. This is ridiculous. It's like asking a private
tutor to
take over a classroom. Let me explain.
Individual
counseling is a laidback experience. The counselor asks questions and
empathizes patiently as the client tells their story. Wherever the
story goes
the counselor follows and makes sure the client feels heard. Together,
the
client and the counselor discuss available options.
This
method will NOT work if you’re trying to
stop a divorce and save your marriage.
Work
on a marriage requires STRUCTURE,
DIRECTION, and GUIDELINES. And the role of the professional in session
is to be
assertive and provide LEADERSHIP. Otherwise, a couple will simply move
the
battle ground from their house to their therapist's office. The
therapist may
feel that a lot has been clarified, but that's because it's the first
time the
therapist heard the fight. For the couple, nothing was accomplished. In
fact,
the couple leaves the session feeling hopeless.
Helping
a couple heal a relationship is a
completely different process than helping an individual "find
themselves."
If you want help with your marriage, you don't just want a professional
to
listen; you want someone with the confidence and the ability to provide
a clear
path to healing and who isn't shy about holding you and your spouse
accountable
to it. In short, you want LEADERSHIP. You want direction. You want
someone to
tell you what to do...what's worked for other couples. Marriage
counseling usually
fails
in this regard. Marriage Fitness, on
the other hand, provides a clear and proven step-by-step system for
renewing
your marriage.
Another
problem with marriage
counseling is
that
it unnecessarily demands that
both parties get in touch with their FEELINGS.
Picture
this: one day Brian gets a wake-up call from his wife and realizes he
better
shape up or he's going to lose his family. Finally, Brian agrees to go
to marriage counseling.
Early in the first session
the
counselor asks Brian, "How do you FEEL about being here?"
Brian
says, "I just want to save my marriage."
"No
Brian, that's not a feeling," says the counselor, "that's a thought.
How do you FEEL?"
"I
don't know," says Brian, "I thought we could talk about solutions
to..."
"Brian,
you need to work on yourself first before you can work on your
marriage."
But
Brian is NOT interested in individual counseling. He's not looking for
insight
into himself; he wants to fix his marriage. He doesn't care about his
psyche
right now; he cares about his wife. And there's nothing wrong with that!
Unfortunately,
marriage counselors sometimes advise spouses to separate into
individual
sessions when they really want to work on their marriage. But
individual
counseling is NOT a prerequisite for marital work!
Separation,
in general is not good for married couples.
Let
me be clear about this point. I'm NOT saying that there's anything
wrong with
self-discovery. In fact, understanding yourself can only be positive
AND it
will certainly help you succeed with your marriage. However, it's not
necessary. You CAN transform your marriage without entering individual
therapy.
Here's
another big problem with traditional marriage counseling.
Many
marriage counselors would describe themselves as "neutral"
therapists; meaning that they aren't in favor of marriage or divorce.
Instead,
their job is
to guide you
through a
cost-benefit analysis. In other words, would you gain more by staying
married
or getting divorced?
If
you should happen to meet a marriage counselor with this approach,
while you're
at it, ask them if you should buy or rent. (Ha Ha!)
Our
society has become very consumer oriented. Unfortunately, this consumer
mentality has seeped into marriage
counseling. But deciding about your marriage
is NOT akin to a purchasing decision. Relationships and family values
do NOT
lend themselves to charts listing pros and cons. That would be like
trying to
grasp an idea with your hand; it's the wrong approach. And it won't
work.
The
other thing worth noting about this cost-benefit approach which is
typical
amongst "neutral" therapists (by now you can see that they're not
really neutral) is that it "favors" the more self-oriented spouse.
But in a troubled marriage, it's that selfishness that needs to be
tamed not
freed.
I
want you to know that I am NOT neutral. Except where there is physical
abuse or
danger, my job is to support the POSSIBILITY that you can restore your
marriage. I'm pro-marriage. I'm not on your side or your spouse's side.
I'm on
the side of your marriage. And I think that's what most people need
when
they're having marital problems; someone to show them hope and offer
them a
clear path to restoring their relationship.
Recently
I helped a woman named Julie save her marriage. She went through the
Lone Ranger Track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp and I
had a number of private sessions
with her and eventually with her husband too. She said something to me
after
she felt safe in her marriage that I'm really proud of.
Julie said,
"You know Mort, when we went to marriage
counseling, the counselor just
kept asking us questions. But I got sick of being asked questions. I
wanted
answers. You gave me answers. And for that I'm thankful."
If
you'd like answers too, then enter your name and email address below.
I’ll send
you answers…for free!
One
last important point. I want to be clear that I'm not against marriage
counseling. There are some very good counselors who truly
understand how to
help a couple succeed with their marriage. My comments above are
generalizations.
Generalizations, by
definition, are
generally true. Of course, there are exceptions.
|
SECURE &
CONFIDENTIAL
